


Numb

by Nomberr



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Accidental overdose, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Broken Bones, Drug Addiction, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Heavy Angst, Hurt Ryan Bergara, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Major Character Injury, Pining Ryan Bergara, Proceed with caution, Ryan has an addiction, Vomiting, i didn't mean for it to be so long my bad lmao, jealous ryan bergara, opioid addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 19:52:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19184500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nomberr/pseuds/Nomberr
Summary: Ryan is in denial about a lot of things.You know, like being behind in his editing, his addiction to narcotics, being in love with his best friend...stuff like that.Too bad it takes him nearly dying to come to terms with any of them.





	Numb

**Author's Note:**

> do proceed with caution. This fic deals with some heavy stuff. I'm writing this while i'm not in a very good place so hopefully I can try and translate some of that bad shit I have going on into something that ya'll can enjoy. That is what I try to do every time I write after all.

I really shouldn't have gotten that drunk at my birthday party.

To be fair, who doesn't get fucking wasted on their birthday, like c'mon that's like...a birthday rule or something. In the birthday rulebook I bet it says. 1) Get an awkward phone call from your mom, 2) Pretend to like all of the shitty gifts your friend's got you, 3) Get absolutely plastered.

Nonetheless I really did get way too drunk. Not to say it wasn't a good party. It was amazing, my family and friends from work all came over and did the whole gifts and drinking games and such, then once my parents left they all went out to their favorite bar and had a few (by a few I mean a fuck ton) drinks and danced the night away. Honestly at some point in the night I started to black out because I can only remember it in broken pieces and fragments. I remember the harsh neon lights from inside the bar, lighting up the dark space in an array of blinding colors that made me feel like I was walking through a sea of acrylic paint. I remember TJ and Devon going up and doing karaoke to "Everybody Wants to Rule the World", which must have been hilarious because I can distinctly recall my chest aching after the fact from laughing so hard. I remember Jen hitting on this girl and wound up puking on her shoes, resulting in the little scuffle with security that apparently got us kicked out (we all were laughing nonetheless.) 

I remember the walk home, all of us stumbling down the dim street, giggling like fools with our faces flushed from the alcohol. I remember Shane, being completely sober and guiding us all along like we were a bunch of toddlers, laughing as he tried to keep us from making utter fools of ourselves in front of the L.A nightlife. I can also recall the way the yellow street lights looked on his skin as we walked, when he turned to me and gave me this smile that made me skid to a stop right there in the middle of the sidewalk, TJ bumping into me from behind and earning a hard laugh from Devon and Jen.

"Ryan you alright?" Shane's voice sounded muddled in my thoughts, drowned out by the sounds of cars rushing by in the nearby street. I must have said something funny then because he laughed, his head tilted in confusion. Or maybe I didn't say anything- fuck I don't remember that part. I do recall spotting the basketball court that was nestled away beside an nearby apartment building. Next thing I knew I was crawling over the fence and bouncing a ball, the sound of the rubber thudding against the concrete thudding against my skull.

"Who wants to play?" My words were slurred and I probably looked like a damn idiot. I think Shane tried to tell me to come back over but my stubborn self was dead set on playing some damn basketball. Why? I have no clue. Drunk me must love basketball more than sober me does, which is an odd thing to imagine. Either way they all ended up joining me in what must have been the worst basketball match in history. Nobody was playing right, Jen was running around like an idiot, TJ kept forgetting to dribble and Shane- well Shane had way too much limb to function, not to mention he was too busy laughing at us to play properly. It was good. The cold air stung my lungs as I ran across the court, the dribbling falling into a nice rhythm beneath my hand. It skidded out of my grip and Shane miraculously caught it, a surprised smile slipping onto his face that warmed me up from the very core. Then he twisted around and went to shoot the ball into the basket. It was a good toss I have to admit, the best one he's ever done. It arched at a near perfect angle toward the net. None of us had technically scored yet, so if he made it he would be winning- which of course I couldn't allow to happen.

I don't remember my exact reasoning for doing what I did. It was at this point when I watched the ball soar toward the net that my mind became this muddled flurry of colors and shapes, impossible to distinguish one thought from another. Next thing I knew I was running, then leaping to try and stop the score. It wasn't a bad jump, I lept up and caught the ball with my finger tips, watching it spiral away just enough to miss the net. Then I landed. Well landed wouldn't really be the right term. There was this odd moment when I hit the ground where my vision went completely white. My right foot touched the ground first, but I stumbled, twisting my leg and stumbling with a heavy thud. I didn't feel anything at first, just a weird tingling in my ankle and calf. I could hear voices around me, but they were muddled into static. It didn't hurt at first.

But then it did.

I never felt anything quite so painful in my life. It sparked up in this blaze of agony that wretched this twisted noise from my throat as I leaned up to cradle my wounded appendage. Something wasn't right. Something was...terribly wrong. I hadn't just pulled a muscle, or sprained my ankle- it was like something shifted deep within my body, ripping me apart from the inside. When I managed to open my eyes I could see my leg was- well it didn't look right. More choked cries escaped my mouth as I pressed my eyes shut again, wishing briefly that I would just pass out. Then there were hands on me, too many of them, and muffled panicked voiced all calling my name. One hand grabbed my shoulder firmly, I looked in front of me to see Shane, eyes wide as he searched my face, concern etched into all of his features. He spoke to me then, soft and rushed. I wish I could remember what he said. But after that everything faded into black. I heard sirens somewhere far in the distance. But I was too wrapped up in this bundle of cold and pain to understand.

~

I broke my ankle that night. Spent the next day in the hospital, to hungover and pissed off to function. My friends brought me stuff from home to make me feel better but to be totally honest I just kinda felt like shit. I hated hospitals, they were so cold and dreary, not to mention probably insanely haunted. They ended up putting me on some pretty hardcore pain medicine to keep me from crying constantly which left me dazed and confused for the most part as they carried out tests and x-rays and stuff. I was waiting on results from the x-ray when Shane came to visit, carrying a nintendo switch.

"Brought you some sustenance" He smiled as he walked around to the chair by my beside, handing me the blue and red game console. I chuckled lightly and took it in my hands, which were shaking a bit for whatever reason. 

"Thanks, it's so fucking boring in here i'm surprised my mind hasn't just exploded yet"

Shane laughed. That made me feel better, better than any of their pain medicine could make me feel. His eyes flicked around the room, then to the small tv that hung in the corner. 

"What, is Finding Dory not entertaining?"

"If I have to see this movie one more time, I'm killing the ocean." I knew it sounded dumb as soon as I said it, but I was high so what did it matter. Shane laughed again, bordering on a wheeze. I stared at him as his face wrinkled up from the laughter, not caring if it looked weird. As this point I was too high to give a shit, not to mention my delirious state gave me an excuse to really just get a good look at him. I didn't many opportunities too, it was hard to platonically stare at your friends and not give away that you were hopelessly enraptured by them. Luckily now I could just take a moment and appreciate him.

He had a weird face to be honest. With those droopy eyes and long nose. But I liked it. It all fit together, an amalgamation of weird pieces that formed one pretty good looking person. At least in my opinion. Plus his smile- god damn his smile. The way his eyes squinted shut and his mouth spread so wide across his face, all of the little laugh lines folding together and tucking into this expression that melted my heart every single time. I couldn't help but smile too, wishing my breath would stop catching in my chest the way it did. 

"Please do enlighten me Ryan-" He spoke in between laughs, the words slipping between his teeth as he fought off a smile to feign a serious expression. "How do you intend to kill the ocean?" He lowered his voice like we were sharing a secret. I wanted to keep the bit going, to toss this joke back and forth as we so often did. But I was tired, and him looking at me like that was making it hard to breathe. So I just sighed and slumped against my pillow. 

"Blow it up...duh" It didn't sound right in my mouth. The words didn't quite fit together correctly, but my mind was cloudy and I was getting tired. Shane laughed nonetheless, likely amused by my current state of mind. 

"Of course yeah- blow it up." He cleared his throat, seeming like he was now trying not to laugh, noticing just how out of it I was. "Man I want some of what you're having." He cracked a grin but I couldn't offer one back. I was so tired now. God when did I get so tired. 

"Mhm" was all I could offer, my eyes getting heavy. I could hear him shifting in his seat. I thought he was going to leave but he didn't. My eyes closed, I didn't mean to close them but the drugs were really kicking in then. I tried to fight the sleep, forcing my eyes back open. I looked back at Shane, opening my mouth to try and start the joke back up, to keep the conversation going. But he had left. The room was darker. I must had slept longer than I thought. I tried to sit up, wincing as a dull throb began thudding through my leg. I felt cool plastic on my hand and looked down to see the switch, laying on the white sheet, illuminated by the soft blue light that sat on the bedside table. I picked it up in my hand and smiled, feeling a little less alone then I did before. 

~

My ankle was really broken. That realization hadn't really set in until they said I would need surgery. I cried on the phone with my mom when I told her. I didn't want to get surgery. Surgery meant more pain and more recovery time and I just- ugh. 

But I couldn't avoid it. So I got the surgery and put in a cast and they sent me on my merry way with some pain medication. It was going to take a long time to heal- way too long. I was out of work for 2 weeks. Stuck at home with my family visiting me a lot to make sure I was alright and bringing me groceries. Those first two weeks were the worst. It was an endless cycle of boredom and pain every day. Luckily the medication helped a lot, ceased the pain enough to where I could function at least a little bit. I played Shane's switch a lot. It was one of the only things I could do while I was bedridden other then watch Netflix. Most of my time was spent huddled in the dark with the console, playing mariocart and feeling unbearably sorry for myself. But I couldn't help it, this shit sucked. 

The worst part of it was missing unsolved. We had just started another supernatural season, so obviously I couldn't come to location. Trying to figure that mess out was a disaster in every aspect.

"We can just postpone it for now-" Shane spoke over the phone, sounding mildly frustrated. We had been going back and forth about it for awhile now. But we had to make a final decision asap. 

"No I don't want this season coming out late- look it's fine you can just bring in a guest star for the first few-" My chest ached just thinking about missing it. I tried to keep my voice from shaking.

"The audience is going to want to see you Ryan." 

"The audience is going to want to see some ghost action. Whether it's me or like...Curly, they aren't going to care. It's fine dude-"

"I don't think it is Ryan." He interrupted me, invoking a long sigh from my lips.

"Look it doesn't matter- I get it, it sucks but we need to start filming now or it's going to take ten years to get this season finished. I broke my leg it's my fault so just- whatever just film." 

There was a long pause over the phone. I half hoped he would refuse. That he would insist on waiting for me- that he wouldn't want to do it on his own. It was a selfish thought but I couldn't help it. 

"Alright. I guess you're right."

My throat felt tight, so I hurried up and ended the call as quickly as I could. God when did it get so warm in my apartment- I was sweating. Not to mention the ache in my leg had returned, worse than usual for whatever reason. I took more medication- not remembering when I had taken it last. Should probably take better track of that. Oh well, I shouldn't be needing it that much longer anyway. 

But I did need it longer. Seemed like the more I took it the more my leg hurt when it wore off. I went back to get a refill and the pharmacist gave me an odd look. I lied and said that I had accidentally spilled the bottle. I felt guilt afterwards- but I needed the medicine. The pain got so bad sometimes I couldn't get myself to move. Not my fault the doctor didn't prescribe me enough. I should probably bring that up at my next appointment. 

~

The team sent me the copies of the episodes that they had filmed while I was out. I felt strange watching the episodes unfold without me being there. They had another girl from work fill in, Sara. Shane and her worked well together on camera, good chemistry for not really knowing each other. It did weird things to my chest, watching them get so along when it should be me there, not her. A terrible longing clung to my core that I tried to ignore, laughing faintly at the little jokes Shane made as they did the investigation. Sara didn't respond as well as I would...or maybe she did and I was just bitter. Who the hell knows at this point. At the end of the episode my face was damp from tears. But that was because of the burning in my ankle, not because of the episode.

Right of course. It was because of the leg. 

I took more than the normal dose that night. I didn't mean too- the medicine just didn't seem to be strong enough anymore. 

I tossed and turned that whole night. God it was hot, I thought that maybe my AC had broken. 

Something certainly had. 

~

After the two weeks I got put into my new cast and was able to return to work. They gave me one of those stupid scooter things to allow me to be mobile around the office. It gained a lot of laughs the first day back. I laughed with them, but there was this warm embarrassment that clung to my skin. When I went to my desk I was brought to a stop when I saw Sara leaning over Shane's chair, looking at something on his computer, they were both laughing. My foot began to throb but I tried to ignore it, clearing my throat loudly. Shane spun around in his chair and a smile spread across his cheeks. 

"Hey! Didn't know you were coming back today!" He stood up, to do what I didn't know. I just looked at him with this slight glare that I couldn't help but give him. He recoiled a bit at my expression and I sighed. 

"Yep." I gave the dull response and scooted closer to my desk, Sara awkwardly scooted out of the way. 

"Love the ride" She joked lightly, casting me an amused glanced. I just grunted and looked away, trying to figure out how to get into my chair without causing myself too much pain. There was a small scuffle behind me and when I looked up Sara was gone and Shane was looking at me with this perplexed expression. I ignored it and shuffled into my chair, nearly falling my catching myself on the desk. I felt two hands grab my sides and help me back up. His hands were so cold against my skin I shuddered, flinching away slightly from the touch as he led me back into my chair. I missed the contact as his hands slid away, causing me to shudder. 

"You uh- you alright there man?" He leaned one hand onto my desk, looking at me cautiously. "You look kinda like shit."

I barked out a harsh laugh. "Gee thanks" I didn't mean for it to sound so rude. But I wasn't feeling well. It was hot that day and I was tired and-

I noticed Shane's face. How concern seemed to be dripping off of it. It reminded me of how he looked at the basketball court. I didn't like it on him. He looked much better smiling. I swallowed hard and sighed. 

"Sorry i'm just tired. Was getting kinda used to my little vacation." A faint smile formed on my lips and Shane seemed to relax, the tension in his shoulders releasing. 

"Right well...i'm glad to have you back." He smiled and I couldn't breathe for a few seconds. "I mean, without you here who else could I get to do all the work." 

I chuckled but it came out strained. "Shut up Shane" I rolled my eyes and turned to the screen of my computer, thinking about how much editing I had to catch up on with an internal groan. My leg was pulsing with pain, but I didn't want to have to get back up again to get my medication. 

It was a couple of hours before the pain became too much. I was sweating profusely as I scooted off to the bathroom and took my dose. Throwing in an extra pill or two for good measure. I do that with tylenol all the time so it couldn't be that bad. I felt better as I returned to my desk, no longer feeling so uncomfortable and overheated. The day went by smoothly from there. 

See, the medication was helping. I would be better in no time. 

~

We were forced to shoot an episode in the office instead of actually going on location due to my condition, Shane made sure the audition was well aware of my current disability. 

"As you can see here we're back in the office, you can thank Mr. Break all my bones Bergara over here." Shane lamented into the camera, staring down the lens with an exasperated expression. I rolled my eyes so far they just about fell out of my head. 

"I did not break all of my bones-If I did I sure wouldn't be here"

"Wow Ryan, such loyalty you have to the show there!" He narrowed his eyes, shooting me an accusatory glare. I almost laughed but I tried to maintain the bit. 

"You're telling me if you broke all the bones in your body you would still show up to record?" 

"Of course!"

"Pretty sure if you broke all your bones you would be dead."

"I would be there in spirit"

A grin spread onto my lips. His face fell as he realized what he said. 

"Nope not what I meant-"

"Guys we got him!-" I turned to the camera, grinning like a fool.

"Nope-You know what I meant!"

"You heard it here, Shane Madej himself admits that he would come back as a ghost and host the show!"

"No-"

"Guess you can call this show B-buzzfeed solved!"

Shane broke into laughter, a wheeze shuddering through his chest. 

"Buzzfeed solved jesus christ-"

"It could work." I grinned back at him and he shook his head, rubbing his eyes with his hands. 

"Right well today on Buzzfeed solved-" I began and Shane scoffed.

"We're not calling it that!" Shane practically yelled, but I ignored him, staring into the camera.

"We're covering the myth of the Women in White!" I cracked him a smug grin and he scoffed. TJ called cut for the intro and we both relaxed, I grabbed my notes for the episodes and got ready to read, noticing Shane staring at me from the corner of my eye with a strange expression. I looked at him and tilted my head. 

"Ryan you're like- sweating a ton." 

He wasn't wrong. I could feel the heat of the set lighting on my skin, causing me to sweat profusely. I rubbed the sleeve of my hoodie on my forehead and looked to see it damp from my perspiration. 

"Oh damn I guess I am." I chuckled a bit and asked Devon to grab me a towel. "Must be the lights or something."

"Well you were burning up the other day in the office too-"

I remember the way his hands skimmed across my sides and I mentally cursed. 

No- why am I worrying. I don't have anything to hide. My medication just probably has a weird sweating side effect. I would just bring it up to my doctor when I saw them next time- whenever I had time to make another appointment. I missed the last one but it was no big deal. Would just do it next week instead. I realized I had zoned out and flicked my eyes back to Shane. 

"Yeah, might be coming down with something I dunno. I feel fine though so let's just finish the shoot."

"You sure cause we can stop-"

"No c'mon-" I shuffled my papers together. "I've got a killer case for ya." I flashed him a smile but it was meak. I was already getting tired and we had so much to film. But I would get through it- it would be fine.

Everything's fine. 

Things continued on as normal. I slipped into my theory voice and started the narration, we both went back and forth about the theories surrounding the popular spector. 

"So we're sure that these women who appear on the side of the street aren't just-I dunno like prostitutes or something?" Shane inquired, earning a chorus of surprised laughter from the room. He looked around. "What!? It's a valid theory!"

"So there's just a ton of prostitutes who just- all wear white. Wait for a guy to pick them up and then just run away?"  
  


"I don't know Ryan! I'm not a prostitute, I don't know how this stuff works!" I laughed hard, and TJ was practically wheezing behind the camera. 

"That is not going in!" Devon called from where she was operating a mic. We all agree and push forward. My hands were shaking a bit but I tried to ignore it. Something about imagining Shane as a- well you know. Did a weird thing to my stomach. Random people just picking him up and- god better stop that thought right there. I mean technically i'm sure he sleeps with random people all the time, I mean how would I know it's none of my business. 

My leg started to ache. 

We pushed through, as I continued to move into the theories I was rushing a bit, having a hard time focusing on the pages of notes I had compiled. TJ stopped the shoot for a moment. 

"Ryan you need to slow down or something it's hard to understand what you're saying. Alright?"

TJ wasn't wrong. My words were all slurred together. I opened and closed my eyes a few time and tried to concentrate, trying again. But now it sounded forced and wrong. TJ cut again and I groaned, rubbing my head. Since when did I get a headache? Fuck my leg hurts. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up at Shane, who offered a small smile.

"Let's just take a break." 

So we did. Everyone went to get snacks and water. I didn't feel like moving around much so Shane went to grab me a drink from the breakroom. Once he was gone I pulled my medication from my jacket and took several of the pills down, my hand shaking as I did so. I paused as I felt them slide down my throat, a realization occurring to me then...I hadn't even counted them. This was a bit- startling. But it was a simple mistake I just had to be more careful. Suddenly my stomach churned and I found myself stumbling to the trash can, heaving out the few contents of my stomach. I fell to my knees and grabbed the edge of the plastic bin, quivering in exhaustion as the acid from my stomach stung my lips and tongue. I didn't even hear the door open behind me, or notice anyone else in the room until I felt Shane's hand on my back. I jumped a bit, looking at him in surprise. His mouth was pressed into a thin line, looking at me with worry. 

"You should go home-"

"N-no" I swallowed hard and tried to stand, he helped me up. 

"C'mon Ryan you're sick- it's probably stress what with your leg and all."

Right. It must be the stress. That makes sense. 

"Have you ate anything today?" He led me back toward my scooter, allowing me to get settled on it. 

"I mean- kinda." I tried to make my voice even, but failed to string my words together in the right way. 

"Ryan-"

"Look sorry there's been a lot going on!" I didn't mean to snap, but I did. I gripped the handles of the scooter tight, face flushing from both heat and anger. Shane paused, opening and closing his mouth as if unsure what to say. He speaks again, slowly as if carefully picking his words. 

"I think you should go home and get some rest-"

"Well I think you should mind your business." I scoot past him, which isn't nearly as cool as storming out of the room angrily, back to the desk. "I'll be here when everyone's ready to shoot again. I just want to get this done." I don't look at him, I sit down and look at the notes on the desk, my head feeling oddly groggy as I struggle to read the paper. Shane stands there for a moment, still and stiff before letting out a small frustrated noise and leaving the room. 

"I'll have someone clean up your puke." Was all he said as he left. 

We finished up the shoot later. It was awkward and tense and not very good. But atleast we finished. I picked up more medication after work. 

~

Part of me knew something wasn't right. I had these fever that I couldn't seem to shake, not to mention how tired and groggy I always was. I tried to blame it on my leg, after all it did keep me up practically all night unless I took medicine, and even then I got all jittery and weird. But that wasn't because of the medicine- it was because I was stressed. Stress was all that it was. 

Work wasn't good. Me and Shane were- well I don't know. He seemed to be avoiding me after our little argument. We both settled into our desks every day and stayed quiet and worked. People noticed because they often cast us odd looks throughout the day. They were used to us being loud and obnoxious while we were editing. But not recently. Things were weird and I hated it.

He was spending more time with Sara, which sparked this terrible toxic jealousy that I wish I could shut off. But I couldn't. I saw them hanging out around the office, always laughing and showing each other shit on their phones. Part of me longed for that to be me instead. I should be there laughing with him. I should be the one bringing that smile to his face. But it wasn't me and I couldn't stand it. Everytime I watched them together it was like my whole body ached, especially my leg. The medicine wasn't really working anymore. Nothing could numb that terrible ache that seemed to follow me wherever I went. But I tried. God I tried. 

I was half expecting for things to be awful for the rest of our lives. Until one morning while I was sitting at my desk, he quickly walked over to me with two coffees in hand, looking oddly nervous as his eyes flicked around the office then down at me. I paused the video I was working on and looked at him, my whole body tense as I raised one eyebrow. 

"Look I just-" Shane sighed and set down a coffee. "Here"

I looked down at the cup. It was just the way I liked it. I tried not to seem too pleased with the gift, and looked back up at him. 

"This like...a peace offering?" Hope sparked in my chest. 

"Yeah uh" He slowly sat down in his own chair, it was way too far away I noticed. "I guess it is." He drummed his fingers on his desk, looking down at his lap. I couldn't help but smile, just a bit. 

"Well- I suppose this'll do. It's no golden watch but-" I stopped the joke, because Shane looked at me with this expression that just melted my heart. He looked so- relieved. I smiled, a genuine smile and picked up the cup, taking a sip. "Thank you- really." He nodded quickly and scooted a bit closer, closing that awkward distance that had seemed to extend between us.

"I was thinking we could go out next week, maybe to that cat cafe you told me about awhile ago." My breath caught in my throat as he spoke. 

"Just us two?"

"Well yeah I figure it's been awhile since you've been out of your house for anything other then work?- Is that okay?" 

My hands twitched nervously on my desk. Us two. Alone. In a cute little Cafe. I just about puked. 

"U-uh. Yeah that's fine." My voice was way too high. I swallowed hard and smiled. "Next week sounds good."

He nodded and smiled, turning back to his computer, leaving me alone with my coffee and a lot of confused thoughts. Eventually I just settled on one. 

Thank god that shit is over. 

~

That week seemed to pass slower than ever. I always seemed to have this little tremor in my hands...because I was nervous. Right.

Right?

I didn't have time to worry about it as I was too busy stressing out about me and Shane's evening out. Evening out? Is that what it is or is it- No. It's not a date. Calm down Bergara it's just two dudes hanging out and drinking expresso's and petting cats. As  two best dude friends do. 

Dear Jesus help me. 

The day finally came and I just about vomited the entire time we were at work. When Shane finally waved me goodbye at the end of the day I scurried as quickly as I could to my car to get home and get ready. I knew it would take me awhile- not because I was trying hard or anything but because I was just a high maintenance kinda guy. Who also happened to be freaking the fuck out. 

I gelled up my hair, styling it carefully into a neat sweep across my head. I put on a nice pair of jeans and button up shirt and one of my countless pairs of amazing sneakers. I stared in the mirror for a good ten minutes, contemplating my look and wondering if I should just scrap the whole thing and try again. I almost went to change when I heard my phone buzz. I grabbed it up and smiled seeing Shane's name pop up on the screen and clicked on the text. 

SHANE: _Hey man, hope it's alright that I invited Sara. She's really into cats and just about flipped her shit when she found out where we were going tonight lol._

Oh-

This terrible venomous feeling creeped up my spine, leaking into my bones. My heart seemed to drop straight to the floor as I read the text, falling and shattering into a billion pieces at my feet. I don't why I was surprised I mean- Sara is great, why wouldn't he want her to come? Maybe he likes her. He's allowed to invite her with us- after all we are just...hanging out. Right. Just hanging out. 

RYAN: _Oh yeah it's chill, see you soon._

My hand was shaking as I sent the text, sweat leaking from my palm and onto the screen. I set the phone down and looked in the mirror, meeting my own vacant stare. Man I looked like shit. My eyes were glazed over and my face was dripping with sweat. Maybe I shouldn't even go, I would just make things weird and I probably smell anyways. I turned away from the mirror. I grabbed the door frame and hopped out of the bathroom, using my walls to lead me to my dining room. The world seemed to dip and sway beneath me. I hadn't eaten yet- I always seemed to be so nauseas. 

Something is wrong Ryan. 

I'm just stressed, or sick or something. I need to relax for a bit. I should just stay home and relax, ease off some stress for both them and me. 

But god my chest hurt. I couldn't help but notice how much it throbbed, every heart beat thundering through my ribs and shaking me from the very core. God why did I have to let this shit bother me. He's just my friend- he's allowed to hang out or like whoever the hell he wants. It's none of my damn business. 

Fuck this hurts. 

Everything hurts. My chest, my stomach, my head and my fucking- my fucking leg. It burned more then it had in awhile, bringing harsh tears to my eyes. I pulled myself into the kitchen, grabbing the counter for support and fumbling around for my pills. 

I already had my dose for today, plus some more. I had been so stressed out about the date- not a date that I had a hard time keeping track of it. Or maybe I just didn't care- I don't know. I shouldn't take anymore I knew that. But there was this deep terrible feeling pulling at my stomach. I needed to take some more. I didn't just want too because I was hurt. I needed them. Needed that numbness to creep through my skin and stop this terrible shitting feeling that seems to have spread through my body. I finally found them, struggling to see through my eyes blurred with tears. 

Just a few, that's all I needed to get by. 

I took what I thought I needed, enough to stop the mind numbing pain burning through my ankle, swallowing them down with a shallow gasp. There, all better. They'll kick in soon and you'll be fine. I should probably text Shane and say I can't come- hell he probably won't even notice. I found myself laughing at nothing in particular, the noise coming out dry and cracked. I pulled myself into the living room, picking up my phone and pausing, thinking about what excuse to give. I noticed my spotify was still pulled up and I clicked play on the last playlist I was listening too, the music pouring out through my bluetooth speaker. 

_Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time_  
I feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out, yeah  
And floating around in ecstasy

I chuckled as the music filled the room, abandoning my phone and swaying a bit to the upbeat tune. __

_So don't stop me now don't stop me_   
_'Cause I'm having a good time, having a good time_

_I'm a shooting star, leaping through the sky_   
_Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity_

 

I don't know when I started dancing, but suddenly I was awkwardly hopping around the room like an idiot, bopping my head to the beat as I swirled and stumbled, singing alone and out of tune, butchering this usually amazing Queen song. I spotted Shane's switch sitting on my couch and picked it up, chucking it across the room. I laughed as it clattered to the ground.

 

_I'm a racing car, passing by like Lady Godiva_   
_I'm gonna go, go, go_   
_There's no stopping me_

 

I pranced around the room like a damn fool. Flailing my arms and singing, sweat flinging off me with every toss off my head. I stopped giving a single fuck about literally everything and just spun, landing hard on my foot and wincing, but the medication was kicking in, causing a bit of a tingle in my toes and fingers. That was new but I didn't really mind it. Felt funny. I laughed again, stumbling and grabbing onto the couch for support. Damn it was hot in here. I ran a hand through my hair and it was slick with sweat. Gross. 

 

_I'm burnin' through the sky, yeah_   
_Two hundred degrees_   
_That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit_   
_I'm traveling at the speed of light_   
_I wanna make a supersonic man out of you._

 

I grabbed my scooter from where it sat in front of the door and slid back to the bathroom, pulling myself in and running a cold bath, still swaying to the music as the tub filled. I went to pull off my shirt but couldn't seem to find the energy so I just kicked up my shoes and leaned against the wall, waiting for the bath to fill. 

 

_Yeah, I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars_   
_On a collision course_   
_I am a satellite, I'm out of control_   
_I am a sex machine, ready to reload_   
_Like an atom bomb about to_   
_Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh explode_

 

I slid into the tub, my clothes still on and let the cold water pool around me, almost sizzling against my hot skin. I shuddered, gritting my teeth against the cold. I sat up, quivering and ran my hands through my hair, causing it to stick up in a wild mess, water dripping down my face, mingling with warm tears and sweat. I gasped and shook, wrapping my arms around myself, trying to surpress the sobs trying to escape my chest. The music continued to blare from the other room, sounding muted and distant beyond the bathroom wall. What was happening to me? 

 

I already knew. 

 

_Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time_   
_I'm having a ball_   
_Don't stop me now_   
_If you wanna have a good time, just give me a call_   
_Don't stop me now ('cause I'm having a good time)_   
_Don't stop me now (yes, I'm havin' a good time)_   
_I don't want to stop at all_

 

I lay back in the water, still shaking as my head pressed against the wall of the bath tub. I wish I had taken off my sock, it felt gross and soggy against my foot, also I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to get my cast wet. That's all I could think about as my eyes fluttered shut. Man I was tired. Exhaustion dragged at me and pulled me down into the water, trapping me under its murky depths. I tried to fight against it, my body jerking and shuddering in the bath, struggling against this deep hungry tired that clung to my bones. My hands gripped either side of the tub, fingers grasping for something to hold onto, something to pull them back to the surface.

 

Don't fall asleep.

 

This terrible instinct overtook me and I tried to stay awake, I did. But my body was so tired and so full of pain. I was so tired of hurting-

 

I let the numbness seep into me, and I fell asleep. The bath water still running as my arm slumped out of the side of the tub, hanging out and just barely grazing the floor. 

 

I could feel my fingertips tingling as everything faded to black. 

 

~

 

Shane hadn't received a text back from Ryan. Not a single response to his dozens of texts he sent throughout the evening. When he went to the cafe Sara was there but Ryan wasn't, this strange, terrible feeling crept into him, but he pushed it away. Shutting down that fear before it got a chance to do any damage. The cafe was cool, hanging out with Sara was nice but he didn't come here to hang out with Sara. He only brought her because Ryan seemed so nervous about it just being the two of them- he thought it would make him feel better to have someone else there. 

 

Maybe he fucked up. 

 

Guilt crept up his spine until eventually he cut the evening short and dropped Sara off before driving to Ryan's apartment building. He prayed he hadn't made Ryan upset- he's been going through so much shit lately and god why did Shane have to be such an asshole. He hurried up the steps to his apartment and knocked on the door, waiting for a response but nothing came. Maybe he just fell asleep and he was being a dumbass. God he's starting to get paranoid like him.

 

He checked the doorknob just in case and was surprised to find it unlocked. He hesitated, unsure if breaking into his friends house was the best way to go about things before deciding 'fuck it' and just going inside. He glanced around and it was dimly lit in the apartment, suggesting that he had likely just gone to sleep. Shane called his name anyway but got no response. That bad feeling crept in again but he tried to push it away, no reason to worry. He's fine. 

 

Then he heard it. The faint sound of pouring water. He was in the bath. Relief washed over Shane and the tension he has been holding in his body dissipated. He took a step toward the hall where the bathroom was, just to let Ryan know he was here, it was dark so it was kinda hard to see so he reached around for a lightswitch when he paused, his shoe landing in something wet. He looked down, the entire hallway floor was drenched. He looked up to the bathroom door to see water pooling out from underneath it. His breath caught in his throat and he dove for the door. 

 

He swung it open and froze, his body freezing in what could only be described in complete and utter shock and horror. The bathroom floor was covered in water, dimly lit with the silver light of the moon shining through the small window next to the sink. The bath was full, water pouring out of it like a water fall, Ryan laying inside, eyes shut and one of his arms hanging out of the side. Shane would have thought that he had just fallen asleep and accidentally let the water overflow but- he was so...so pale under the faint light of the window, looking almost like a ghost in the clear water. Not to mention- he still had his clothes on.

 

Shane let out this small strangled sound, diving toward the bathtub, nearly slipping on the slick tile floor as he fell to his knees, reaching up and grabbing Ryan's face. It was cold against his touch, just like the freezing water that pooled around Shane's quivering form. He let out a faint gasp as he shook Ryan a bit, getting no response from his cohost. 

 

"Ryan! R-ryan c'mon" Shane pleaded, his voice cracking as he grabbed Ryan's face with both of his hands. When Ryan didn't respond Shane bit back a scream and reached into the water, grabbing Ryan by his back and legs and heaving him out of the bath. It took all of his strength, fueled by adrenaline as he practically pulled Ryan into his lap, holding the smaller man close. He looked smaller then usual, hanging there so limp in his arms. Ryan's wet clothes hung off him, dripping more cold water into the floor. His black hair fell in a mess over his forehead. Shane tucked the hair aside. 

 

"Ryan... man?" Shane stiffened up, unsure what to do, quivering from the cold and fear. "Fuck!" He shuffled back and layed Ryan on the ground, leaning over him and touching his face again, cupping his cheek. "Please, please, please-" He muttered leaning forward to listen for breathing. He didn't hear anything. A cry rising in his throat, shane sat back up and ran a hand through his hair. "Shit!" His whole body shook with fear. He looked around frantically, unsure what happened or what to do- He noticed the bottle of orange pain medication sitting on the sink, empty. He could recall Ryan having the bottle nearly full a few days ago. The realization hits him like a cold wave and he lets out a sound so loud it borders on a scream. He turns back and grabs Ryan by the collar of the shirt. "You dumbass!" He chokes out faintly, He shakes him desperately, knowing that's probably not the right thing to do and that he's probably fucking everything up but damn it he was freaking the hell out. "Ryan- Ryan please get up p-please!" He grabbed Ryan by his chest and pulled him up, closer to his chest, he wrapped his arms around him tight and gritted his teeth, speaking through them quietly. "C'mon man you can't- can't do this to me c'mon get up." He begged, softly, tears stinging at the corner of his eyes. "Please"

 

~

"Please"

 

I hears it faintly from whatever far off place i've wandered too. I recognize the voice. It pierces through the darkness and stabs through my chest like a blade made of ice. My eyes open, just barely. I see a blurry figure above me. I blink a few times, trying to clear his vision. But everything is foggy and the air feels heavy around me. My chest hurts so much. I sinks into the pain and fall back into the darkness. 

 

~

He's there for a moment, it's quick. His body shudders and his eyes open, glassed over as he looks around. Shane gasps and cups his hand around the back of his head. 

 

"Ryan buddy hey stay with me okay-"

 

His head falls back and he's gone again. Shane swears, louder this time and presses his forehead to Ryan's, as if he can wake him up through willpower alone. Shane wants to get up and call 911, or do something. But he don't want to leave him here. Shane feel him shudder again but it doesn't stop, Ryan's whole body is shivering. Shane grab a towel and wrap it around him, murmuring quietly, trying to coax him out of- whatever this is. Minutes pass that feel like hours, Ryan's teeth chatter together. 

 

"C'mon man you can get through this."

 

~

 

There's this terrible venom in me. I need it out. I urge my body to get rid of it, to force it out. I think that I start vomiting, i'm not really sure. But my throat stings and suddenly i'm on my side. When I'm done I pass out again, only for my eyes to snap back open after what feels like days. I'm in a puddle of water and bile, I can tell from the smell. I'm on the floor, my wet clothes clinging to my skin and allowing cold to seep into my bones. There's a towel around me, covering my shivering form. Everything seems too bright, even in this dim bathroom. For a moment i'm confused, everything looks so wrong and dark and-

 

Oh.

 

I'm not alone in the room. My head turns just slightly to see a familiar set of long legs tucked to a man's chest. Shane is sitting there, head in his hands, leaning against his knees and looking oddly small tucked away in the corner of the bathroom. It's almost funny, seeing him tucked into himself like that, compressed. I open my mouth to speak but a small cough comes out and Shane's head snaps up. His face is deathly pale, eyes pink and watery as he stares at me in disbelief. 

 

"Sh-"

 

I don't get to speak before he's crawling toward me, wrapping his arms around me and yanking me torward him into a fierce embrace. I let out a weak noise of surprise, not having the strength to move let alone resist. I felt him shaking against me, grabbing my shirt in his fists and clinging to me desperately. 

 

"Jesus fucking christ" I heard him gasp out in my ear, voice crackling in this way i've never heard him speak before. He pulled back and grabbed my face in his hands, eyes searching me frantically. He meets my gaze and grits his teeth. I'm taken aback by his eyes, they're so wide and so panicked- i'd never seen him afraid before. It scared me. I tried to pull away but he grabbed my arms, I fought to get away, starting to panic. 

 

"Ryan- Ryan calm down." 

 

"L-let me go" I stuttered out, teeth clattering together. Suddenly he was pressed against me again, so warm against my freezing cold skin. He grabbed me by my legs and back and lifted me up, bridal style. I grasped and grabbed onto his shoulder, fearful of falling. Shane wasn't exactly the strongest person so I was afraid he might drop me. "Put me down." It came out faint, obviously he had no intention of doing so as he left the bathroom. 

 

"You're going to the hospital" 

 

My eyes widened, heart beginning to race. I began to trash against him and he yelped, stumbling and dropping me down onto my living room floor. I fell hard, wincing. 

 

"Ryan what the fuck!" 

 

"I can't!" I cried out. Grabbing onto the rug that lay beneath me and pulling myself back. "I can't go they're gonna think-" 

 

"Think what Ryan!?" He was looking at me with this look-I can't describe it but it made my skin crawl, it was all dark and angry. "What is someone supposed to think when they see-" His voice cut out and he pressed a hand to his face, sighing hard. "Ryan what- please help me understand what the hell is going on- were you like" He tilted his head back, as if trying to keep the tears from escaping his eyes. "Were you trying to kill yourself Ryan?" His voice cracked and I could see him grimace, as if speaking the phrase caused him pain. I didn't blame him, as soon as they escaped they struck me hard, like a slap to the face. 

 

"No!" I didn't mean to be so loud, so shaky and desperate. But it wasn't right- "No! No I wasn't trying to-" I couldn't even finish what I was saying. I could feel all this terrible shit bubbling in my stomach, threatening to pour out. I opened my mouth, this weak little gasps being ripped out of me as I struggled to breathe. Shane must think i'm insane- that i'm suicidal or something. The thought alone made me shake down to the very core. "I don't want to die! Shane you gotta-" I sit up, hands up, desperate. "You gotta understand I don't wanna die I don't-" Everything poured out of me, all at once. I choked out a sob, heavy and ugly. I couldn't breathe I couldn't think. "I don't know what happened I just-" I tried to take a breath in but it failed. I shut my eyes, urging the pounding in my chest to stop. For all of this terrible ugly thing that's happened to stop. 

 

Then there were two hands on me. One on my shoulder and one on my face. I flicked my eyes open to see Shane, staring at me with those big tearful eyes. I gasped in, a harsh sound, and tried to say something, anything but I couldn't. 

 

"Ryan breathe- please c'mon." He pulled me close, my face landing on his shoulder. My body shook and shuddered with horrified sobs. 

 

"I don't want to die-"

 

"I know I know. I understand I do-"

 

"No you don't!" I pulled back, grabbing his shoulders now and keeping him at arms length. He gulped hard and I didn't blame him, I must have looked crazy.

 

"You don't- You can't understand it because I don't!" I bit my lip, hard. I could taste blood. "I don't know what the hell is going on I just-" This terrible realization settled in my chest. I looked at Shane, meeting his eyes. There was so much hurt pooling there- for a moment I thought I was looking at my own. 

 

"I think somethings wrong with me." I finally lamented, the words stinging like acid on my tongue. I pulled my hands away and wrapped them around myself. Realizing suddenly how cold I was. Shane hesitated, hands lingering in mid air, unsure. He cleared his throat and nodded. 

 

"Alright" He nodded again, as if assuring himself before standing back up. "Yeah there obviously is so- so I think you need to get help." I opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off with a harsh look. "Ryan I don't know what the hell you were thinking- or whatever the fuck is going on. If you don't either then you need to see somebody who does. Plus you just took god how many pills and you could still be in danger and I can't-" He paused, the words caught in his throat. "I can't see you like that again you just...you could have died Ryan." 

 

Shane looked broken. Like he was laying in a pile of broken bits right in front of me. I wanted to pick them up and piece him back together. It was hard to do that when I was just as shattered. Still I could try. 

 

"I'm sorry-" 

 

"Don't apologise- you're just..." He looked down at me, blinking back the last bits of tears from his eyes. "You're sick Ryan."

 

~

 

The car ride to the hospital was probably the worst thing I have ever experienced. It was so tense and quiet you could cut the air with a knife. Shane kept flicking me this quick nervous glances every once and awhile. After about 20 minutes it started to piss me off. Once when he glanced at me I glared right back and he turned to the road. 

 

"What are you-"

 

"I just don't get-" He interrupted me, sighing heavily. "Look if something was going on why did you let it get this far. You could have said something-"

 

"It's not that easy." I turned away from him, staring out the window at the flashing lights of the city as they passed by. They all mixed together into one big yellow and blue blur. "I didn't even know anything was going on I just- I thought I was fine." 

 

"How could you think-" He turned to me, now parked at a stoplight. "That what you did was fine I mean- have you done something like this before?"

 

I could feel his gaze on the back of my head, hot and scorching. I felt tears begin to fight their way back up but I pushed them back. I didn't answer.

 

"Ryan-"

 

"I don't know!" My voice raised, it was harder to cry when I was yelling. "Yes! Maybe! I don't know! I've never overdosed before if that's what you mean-"

 

"Ryan how long has this shit been going on!?" He had to turn back to the road. Someone honked at him for taking too long at the green light. 

 

"Fuck Shane how many times do I have to tell you!?" I turned back to him, my teeth grinding together. "I don't fucking-"

 

"I know! I know!" He smacked the steering wheel, hard. I winced because it must have hurt. "I just don't know how you didn't think about this-" He gestured wildly, as if to signify all of the bullshit. "Think about how this all could have went. You could have been really hurt! Or dead! Shit man-"

 

"Well obviously I wasn't thinking!" I snapped back, face flushing with anger. 

 

"You have any idea what would have happened if you hurt yourself- or worse. You know who would have been hurt by that!? How hurt I would have been! Fuck!" The car jerked as Shane pulled to the side of the highway. I gasped and grabbed onto the door, yelping in surprise. 

 

"Shane what the hell!?" 

 

He leaned forward, head pressed to the steering wheel. For a moment I thought he might just get out of the car and leave me there- I wouldn't blame him. But he sat up quick and spun to me. One hand gripping the wheel until his knuckles were white, the other resting on the middle console, balled up in a fist. Our eyes met and I have never seen Shane so angry- sure he had his moments on the show but those were always for show. This was real pure fury. 

 

"Do you know what that would have done to me Ryan- do you have any fucking clue?" His voice was low, hoarse from shouting. Somehow it sounded worse now then when he was screaming at me. I didn't have an answer. I just stared back, watching the muscles in his jaws clench. It was the opposite of when he was laughing, all different folds in his face crinkled together. It didn't look right. "I would have fucking-" He wheezed- but it wasn't the good kind. "I would have been so- so devastated-" He looked down, sniffling. "I care about you so damn much and you didn't even think about how I would have felt if you-" He turned away and coughed. "Fuck-"

 

He opened the car door and got out, stepping into the chilly night air. I sat in my seat as he slammed the door shut, listening to the light hum of the car heater. I took a pause- trying to wrap my head around everything he just said but my mind was all foggy and slow. Eventually I gave up trying to figure it out and got out of the car, leaning on it for support. He was leaned against the hood, running his hands down his face. 

 

"Look I didn't want to hurt anyone- especially not you. Look man I just- i'm so fucked right now." I almost laughed as I said it. Because I was. I was fucked. He didn't respond, he just turned to me. I felt a pang in my chest as I looked at him. The yellow streetlight shone down on him, just like the way it did on my birthday. Except now he wasn't smiling like he was then. He looked scared and cold and hurt. "I would never hurt you man I care- I care about you too. Like a fuck ton." I did laugh that time. Can't say why, but I did. "So much that it's crazy. Like it's insane. This whole this is insane I know and If I could go back and stop it I would but I can't" I pressed my knuckles against the hood of the car. "Because i'm a dumbass who fucked up and-"

 

"Ryan."

 

I looked at him. He had shifted, moving closer to my side of the car. Now I could see the city, silhouetted behind him, dozens of glittering lights gleaming like a sea of stars. Then there was him, standing in the middle like the brightest one. So big and blinding like a red giant about to explode. 

 

"Just come here you dumbass." 

 

I stumbled forward. He caught me in his arms. I didn't cry this time, I didn't have it left in me. We just stood there, both soaking wet, on the side of a busy highway in the freezing cold. I didn't give a shit. Everything was so fucked up at this point I would take anything nice. And this was so, so nice. I felt Shane squeeze tighter, arms gripping me fiercely. 

 

"But please don't do anything like this again- I love you man I do. If I ever made you think otherwise then I just- i'm sorry" His voice was muffled against my head. I sighed heavily, somehow him saying it- saying it like that hurt more then if he hadn't said it at all. 

 

"I love you too"

 

And I meant it, so fiercely and with every ounce of my being. I knew he did too- just not in the way that I meant it. I think he might have known that- because he suddenly pulled away. Keeping his grip on me but studying me with a look I couldn't quite decipher.

 

"Ryan-"

 

"Yeah?" I hadn't meant for my voice to be so high. It would have been hilarious if I wasn't horrified. 

 

"I-" He looked down at the grass beneath our feet then back at the car. "We should get going"

 

And that was that.

 

~

Opioid Use Disorder.

 

That's what they called it at the hospital. 

 

They knew as soon as I told them what had happened. The explained it pretty well- but I was too tired to really grasp any of it. All I knew was that I was addicted to a drug. An actual drug. And I hadn't even known. Or maybe I did and I just didn't want to believe it- either way. I had been addicted to a drug- and technically I still was. I wasn't the only one apparently, the opioid epidemic was hurting loads of people- killing loads of people. 

 

It could have killed me. 

 

But it didn't- and that's all people seemed to care about. Having to call my **friends** and parents- and tell them what happened. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. If I didn't have Shane there with me- I don't know how I would have managed. They of course freaked out- friends and family came to the hospital to see me- to tell me how sorry they were. Ned from the try guys even surprised me with a visit. We talked a bit about the whole epidemic- apparently he'd had his own moments of addiction as well. It made me feel better. Less crazy. But still, there was terrible embarrassment that came with every sympathetic look and hushed apology. I hated it- looking so weak and sick in front of all these people. But Shane was there the whole time, he cheered up a bit once they explained everything. I think he was glad I wasn't trying to kill myself. Which is a pretty low standard to have for somebody- but i'll take it. 

 

The worst came in the days following.

 

I had never been so sick in my life. I had this terrible fever, my head hurt and my vision was blurry. This deep terrible hunger arose from my core. You never realize you're dependent on something until it's gone. My whole body hurt- no longer numb from the countless pills that I had been guzzling down. I had finally been forced to confront the pain head on. I spent most days tossing and turning in my hospital bed. Crying a lot and fading in and out of consciousness. Fortunately, every time I woke up, overheated and dazed, Shane was almost always there. 

 

He came every day after work, catching me up on what was going on in the office and with the weekly tabloid drama. I probably talked about the kardashians more then I ever had in my entire life. But at least we were talking about something. It was good to distract from the withdrawal. It was weird calling it that- but that's what it was. I was going through some absolutely shitty withdrawal, just like any other recovering drug addict. But at least I had him there. This big bumbling idiot to make me feel a little less like shit and god was I thankful for that. 

 

There was one night where I was feeling particularly bad- I was so jittery I couldn't stop myself from shaking. Shane had been there since he got out of work. But still he remained by my bedside. 

 

"Shane go home-"

 

"Shh wait I have this super important thing to show you" He was flipping through his phone. I would have rolled my eyes but I didn't have the energy. Eventually he flipped it around to show me the views on our "Women in white" video. It was on the trending page. A smile slipped onto my face, watching the two of us banter.

 

"Wow" I tried to sound more excited but I couldn't. I was tired- but I never could seem to sleep these days. Shane must have noticed because he sighed and slid his phone away. 

 

"Just go it's fine I'll just-"

 

Then he was climbing into the bed, struggling to fit his long limbs onto the small bed. I yelped and tried to scoot over, surprised as he gently nudged me aside, adjusting the pillow so it could accommodate the both of us.

 

"Shane what the hell-"

 

"You said it yourself it's late." He cast me a small smirk and reached for the blanket, pulling it over both of us then pulling his phone back out. "Now what do you want to watch, the John Mulaney specials or Avengers?" He cast me a small smile, tilting his head as he waited for my answer. I chuckled a bit, looking at how ridiculous he looked, all curled up to fit next to me. 

 

"You're ridiculous"

 

"That's why you love me." He grinned. I didn't, my smile fell from my face. He frowned, furrowing his eyebrows. "You do, don't you?"

 

"Well yeah of course I do-" I opened and closed my mouth, my mind trying to catch up with whatever the fuck was going on. "Just-"

 

"Then that's that." He turned back to his phone. "Don't overcomplicate this Ryan. Please." I could almost see a blush creeping up his neck. "So Avengers or John Mulaney?" There was a heavy pause before my mind finally put two and two together. I just stared at him mouth slightly agape. He glanced back at me and groaned a bit, reaching behind me and pulling me close, so my head rested on his shoulder. I couldn't breathe- but this time for a good reason. For a moment, wrapped up in his arms, I forgot about the pain in my leg and the harsh hospital lights. All I could feel was how warm he was against my side. I glanced up at his phone, which had netflix pulled up. 

 

"John Mulaney is good." 

 

I've watched those specials more times then I could remember. But I didn't care. After all the bullshit we've been through and all the awful shit that's too come.

 

I just wanted to see him laugh. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed. Please leave a comment if you did, I love seeing what people think.   
> (Also I know I really should be updating my other fics but it's sad boi hour so I couldn't help myself)


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